Rodrick Rules

Halfway through the summer, I decided I was pretty much done with swim team, so I came up with a trick to get out of practice. I'd swim a few laps, and then I'd ask the coach if I could use the bathroom. Then, I'd just hide out in the locker room until practice was over. The only problem with my plan was that it was something like 40 degrees in the boys' bathroom, so it was even colder in there than it was in the pool. I had to wrap myself up in toilet paper so I didn't get hypothermia. That's how I spent a pretty big chunk of my summer vacation, and that's why I'm actually looking forward to going back to school tomorrow. Tuesday When I got to school today, everybody was acting all strange around me, and at first, I didn't know what was up. Then I remembered. I still had the Cheese Touch from last year. I got the Cheese Touch in the last week of school, and over the summer, I completely forgot about it. The problem with the Cheese Touch is that you've got it until you pass it on to someone else, but nobody would even get within thirty feet of me, so I knew I was going to be stuck with the Cheese Touch for the whole school year. Luckily, there was a new kid named Jeremy Pindle in Homeroom, so that took care of that problem. He got the Cheese Touch so fast, he didn't know what hit him. My first class was Pre-Algebra, and the teacher put me right next to Alex Arruda, the smartest kid in the whole class. Alex is super easy to copy off of, because he always finishes his test early and puts his paper down on the floor next to him. So if I ever get in a pinch, it's nice to know I can count on Alex to bail me out. Kids whose last names start with the first few letters of the alphabet get called on the most by the teacher, and that's why they end up being the smartest. Some people think that's not true, but if you want to come down to my school, I can prove it. Just look at Christopher Ziegle. I can only think of one kid who broke the last name rule, and that's Peter Utiger. Peter was the smartest kid in the class all the way up until the fifth grade. That's when a bunch of us started giving him a hard time about how his initials sounded when you said them out loud. P-U, P-U, P-U. These days, Peter doesn't raise his hand at all, and he's pretty much a C student. I guess I feel a little bad about the whole P-U thing and what happened to Peter, but it's hard not to take credit whenever it comes up. Anyway, today I got pretty decent seats in all my classes except seventh period history. My teacher is Mr. Huff, and something tells me he had Roderick as a student a few years back. He put me in a chair next to his desk. Wednesday Mom has been making me and Roderick help out more around the house, and now the two of us are responsible for doing the dishes every night. The rule is that we're not allowed to watch any TV or play video games until all the dishes are done. But let me just say that Roderick is the worst dishes partner in the world. As soon as dinner is over, he goes upstairs to the bathroom and camps out there for an hour, and by the time he comes back downstairs, I'm already done. But if I ever complain to Mom and Dad, Roderick always pulls out the same lame excuse. He says, My body is on a schedule. I think Mom and Dad are too worried about my little brother, Manny, to get involved in a fight between me and Roderick right now anyway. Yesterday, Manny drew a picture at daycare, and Mom and Dad got really upset when they found it in his backpack. It was of two angry yelling people and one little crying guy. Mom and Dad thought the picture was supposed to be of them, so now they're acting all lovey in front of Manny. I love you so much, and I love you so much. I knew who it was really supposed to be in the picture. Me and Roderick. We got into a big blowout over the remote control the other night, and Manny was there to witness the whole thing. But Mom and Dad don't need to find out about that. Thursday Another reason my summer was kind of lame was because my best friend, Rowley, was on vacation.