Crucial Conversations (Third Edition)

beginning, and concluding a crucial conversation. We have found that laying the skills out temporarily makes it far easier to know which skill to use when to get the best results. Finally, one of the most obvious changes long-time students of this book will note is the addition of a new author on this edition. Emily Gregory has been an important contributor to our work for almost 20 years. She has worked shoulder-to-shoulder with us in deepening our research, strengthening our courses, and expanding our influence to include close to 20,000 trainers worldwide. The addition of her voice in this edition has enriched every chapter. We are confident that not only will these changes improve your experience, they will also increase your capacity to turn these words into productive habits in your work and personal life. Where Next? We are thrilled that so many people have responded positively to this work. To be honest, 20 years ago we dared to hope the ideas we shared would alter the world, but what we didn't know was whether the world would respond as we hoped. So far, so good. It has been immensely gratifying to see so many people embrace the notion that crucial conversations really can make a difference. We have been privileged to teach heads of government, business moguls, and influential social entrepreneurs. The day we held in our hands two copies of our book, one in Arabic and one in Hebrew, gave us an even greater sense of possibility. We have shared the principles in areas of turmoil and unrest, such as Kabul and Cairo, as well as in areas of growth and influence, such as Bangkok and Benin City. With each new audience and each new success story, we feel a greater motivation to ensure our work makes a lasting difference. Thus, the new edition. We hope the improvements in this edition substantially improve your experience with these life-changing ideas. Joseph Grinney, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory Chapter 1. What's a Crucial Conversation? And Who Cares? The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. George Bernard Shaw When people first hear the term crucial conversation, many conjure up images of presidents, emperors, and prime ministers seated around a massive table while they debate the future. Although it's true that such discussions have a wide-sweeping impact, they're not the only kind we have in mind. Crucial conversations happen to everyone. They're the daily conversations that reshape your life. Now, what makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla? First, opinions vary. For example, you're talking with your boss about a possible promotion. She thinks you're not ready. You think you are. Second, stakes are high. You're in a meeting with four co-workers, and you're trying to pick a new marketing strategy. You've got to do something or your company is in trouble. Third, emotions run strong. You're in the middle of a casual discussion with your spouse, and he or she brings up an ugly incident that took place at yesterday's neighborhood party. Apparently, not only did you flirt with someone at the party, but according to your spouse, you were practically making out. You don't remember flirting. You simply remember being polite and friendly. Your spouse walks off in a huff. And speaking of the party, at one point during the evening, you found yourself making small talk with the somewhat crotchety and colorful neighbor from an adjoining apartment. One minute, he's telling you all about his shrinking kidneys. The next, he's complaining about the smell of your previous night's dinner wafting through his vent. I'm allergic to ginger, you know? He grouses. From that moment on, you end up in a heated debate over whether your right to stir-fry trumps the fact that smelling the spice makes his ears sweat. Not your most diplomatic moment. It escalates to shouting, and the neighbor finishes by threatening you with a culinary assault lawsuit while you storm off. Emotions were running really strong. What makes these conversations crucial? What makes each of these conversations crucial, and not simply frustrating, frightening, or annoying, is that the outcome could have a huge impact on either relationships or results that affect you greatly. In each of the previous cases, some element of your daily routine could be forever altered for better or worse. Clearly, a promotion could make a big difference. Your company's success affects you and everyone you work with. Your relationship with your spouse influences...